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Life

Life—the strand of suddenly moments
tied to each other by community;
souls walking poles apart their footprints
in the sands of time, rooted in history

is ever-changing.

Energy, gives way to movement,
avoiding stagnant stops we slide
into home base while cadent
rhythms offer no travel guide

in our passing.

Nevertheless, the options are many—
more than the stars themselves
leading to a hopeful epiphany,
where infinity then approves

our life choosing.

Copyright 2009©CI

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hmm, WATS (Writer At the Sea) this is a mixed metaphor play that has a great switch up after the first stanza, but I see some conflicting images that only make sense if you were writing for the mere pleasure of just getting it down.
If this is the case, please disregard my critique, but if not, go ahead and read on...
The construct of how "suddenly" comes up in the first stanza makes me think about bad grammar, maybe a comma in front of the term and after would clarify how it is to be read, because, you could do the same thing with "sudden", making the phrase, "sudden moments" more meaningful inasmuch as it flows easier.
One of the reasons I am offering this critique is because I think you have some ideas to fill out and explore, where, in this piece, you only touch on them in a passing manner.
Almost every poet has a grandiose-type of poem, where their meager talents and aspirations to document the idea of the omnipotent or ever-expansive or even unfathomable, inexorable nothings that seem to be everything, fail.
And words don't seem to be enough, ever enough.
Try taking one metaphor out of this piece and fill out that one in a poem, rather than trying to write about the most big idea, or the most hard to comprehend, like the universe or all of humanity, and pick something you can be specific about enough so that your reader will not be left wanting.

Just some friendly advice.
If you want, critique one of mine.
I would love that!

-Joshua
Dear Joshua,

Thank you for your reply and critique.

I think the comment of the "ly" on sudden has merit as it does disturb the meaning and meter... I will give you that. Maybe, if I decide to keep it as is, I might switch "strands of moments - suddenly. . ." which gives space to the thought, but then I would need to rework the rest of the verse. As far as the mixed metaphor - I don't see it. Focusing on one of the metaphor's is limiting to the scope and breadth. I might take out the word "travel," or elaborate on that idea, if I decide to work on this poem some more.

As far as grammar, I might suggest to you Joshua, that you pay attention to your use of superlatives i.e. "the most big, the most hard." I do find it odd that you were not clear about your critique--almost as if you wanted to be - confusing.

Thanks.
Carla
Hi Carla,
Like Joshua, I was kind of scrating the old noggin' with your use of "suddenly", but, by the time I finished the second stanza I was with you. I was reeled in by the second stanza. I really enjoyed it. Very thought provoking.

The weight of my opinion might get you a doughnut hole, but here goes...I don't think the overall piece would be affected if you decided to change and add a hyphen.

Remember, poetry is art and art is subjective.

Terri
YOUR WRITING IS SIMPLY SPLENDID. IT WAS REALLY MOTIVATING AND THOUGHT-PROVOKING. WE LIKED IT. HENCE I INVITE U 2 SUBMIT YOUR PRECARIOUS WRITING AT OUR JOURNAL. "THE MIRROR OF TIMES" WHEREIN MANY PROMINENT WRITERS LIKE SMT. NABANITA DEV SEN, SMT. ANTARA DEV SEN, SRI SUNIL GANGOPADHYA, SRI SANKHA GHOSH, SRI AMITAVA GHOSH, MR.N.V. SUBARRAMAN, MR.D.C. CHAMBIAL, PRADIP K. CHOUDHURY, PRONAB K. MAJUMDAR WILL DISPLAY THEIR WRITINGS. WE WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO SUBMIT YOUR WRITINGS AT THE SAID MAGAZINE @ Rs. 100/- [India] or $50 [USA] or £ 50 [UK] by subscribing the journal. ALL THESE ARE PROMINENT FIGURES ALL OVER THE WORLD AND YOU CAN HAVE A NICE EXPOSURE OF YOUR CREATIVE PURSUITS IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE THE SUBSCRIBER TO US.

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