Espirit

[Patricia]

Life is quite a bowl of cherries,
Filled by fatal fettered fairies.
Forced to lure the innocent,
Seduced into tacit consent.

Beware! The lair behind the lure.
They hide behind the truth; obscure,
With promise of felicity,
Health and wealth; duty free.

Survival is not meant as such,
Excuses should not be a crutch.
It's labor to attain a peace
Before our time does then surcease.

Crumbs of joy, in tiny bits;
Here and there in pieces fit
To make the whole well worth the strife.
The gift of love; the thrust of life.

There will be days that take a toll
Upon the heart and tax the soul.
And then there are those heavenly
Moments sweet with fervency.

Chase the tear with memory's kiss.
Savor every drop of bliss.
Hold-fast to this when tempests rage.
A legacy; a seasoned sage.

Tomorrow's children bend their ears,
Feeding on our strengths; our fears.
Leave them not as nihilists,
But altruistic optimists.

The universe in this rebirth,
With gratitude and righteous mirth,
Will bless our Lilliputian sphere.
The cosmos--thundering with cheer.

©

[Josh S.]

I like the meter but take it with a grain of salt.
To offer some critique, I believe that some
of the demonstrative-ish metaphor that seems
straightforwardly optimistic
comes across like less a statement or maxim
but like a cliche.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of this feeling of mine
and will explain here.

"righteous mirth
Life is quite a bowl of cherries
Excuses should not be a crutch"

These seem like you are providing a conscious
decision to work the difference between cliche
and piercing the reader's veneer on your piece, but
I think the effect is not as obviously conscious as it needs
to be.
It comes across, on the first reading as if you could have
put more into the jarring versus the half - cliche in this
very well metered poem.
I would suggest, if you intend on working on this further,
combining some of the cliche-like concepts and sayings
with a notable change from your decidedly expansive
vocabulary.
For example, if life is a bowl of cherries, it could just
as well be a cup of voluptuous cherries, glistening or what not.
The opening seems almost off the cuff, something ornamental and
almost for show.
"fatal fettered fairies."
While the alliteration is interesting and flows well, you should consider
something less ambiguous or difficult to pin down, something more specific.
This is a fun poem and could be very poignant as well if read the right way.
I think that you shouldn't let your reader go on this one and allow him or her the option
of misconstruing your object and message intended to be documented in this
verse.

I hope you enjoyed my critique and let me know if you would like some mo!

-Joshua

[Patricia]

Thanks Joshua!

Yes, I did indeed enjoy the critique. Your provoking response stirred thought, challenged the delivery of my intent and even made me smile.

It was meant to be "fun" as you said. Often I will rework a piece over time. When I take the hatchet to this one I shall keep your advice in mind.

Thank you and keep those creative juices flowing.

Be well,
Patricia