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This is one of my first stories that I have been working on lately. I have no idea how to write professionally but it is something that I enjoy doing. I would appreciate any comments.



VAMPIRES

What are they?
Where do they come from?
How do they live?
How can they be destroyed?

I can’t remember too much. It all really seems like a dream. The house, the darkness, the voices. It is all so hard to think about. But I know I must. I lost two friends that day along with two professional hunters. I must avenge their death. I must learn more about what happened. And more about the creatures that attacked us. The ones that I dream about, and have dreamt about for as long as I can remember.

The creatures, known as vampires or vampyrs, have existed for eons. Some, very rare individual vampyrs are several thousand years old. And there are rumors of a “King” if you will, that is old beyond belief. Of course my train of thought has always been that they were demons. But I have no proof of this. I don’t know how I came to be involved with them. It started with the search for my father after my mother’s death when I was but eighteen. I found letters about him from my mother. But that was all I had ever located. She never talked much about him. A little bit here and there but nothing that ever amounted to anything. We are fairly wealthy but not dirty rich. So after the death of my mother, I hired some people to help me look for him. The three of us plus my two best friends formed a little “band of brothers” four years ago. And now here I am, all alone again.

How do I explain it? We came across some records three years ago that suggested that my father had been taken prisoner buy a sect of vampyr. So we tracked them for three years. Across the US.
Finally we located were they we hold up. They were different though. The sunlight did not seem to bother them. I wandered some times if we were on the right trail. Until one night one of my partners let me see what they were doing. Then I realized that my father could no longer be alive. Then I wanted blood for blood!


We followed them to their hide out and watched and waited for our chance. We had armed ourselves with a chemical spray that was supposed to kill them on contact. It was made by one of the guys that I hired. He said he had dealt with them before and had perfected it. So we found a way in and armed with this chem-86, some stakes, armor, night vision goggles, we attempted a raid. But they knew we were there! I knew they knew! I could sense it some how. Not being as trustworthy as I was I also armed myself with two semi-auto 45's and a small sword. I even had silver bullets and the sword was dipped in silver nitrate. The second we stepped into the basement from outside I knew something bad was going to happen. First, my goggles malfunctioned and I had to go without them. That wasn’t as bad as for some strange reason I could see quite well. (But then again I had never had a problem seeing in the dark). Then I noticed that my tank had no pressure on it. This I thought was just a bad reading, but found out later it was not. The basement was enormous. At least 150' by 250' if not bigger. It seemed that the ceiling was a lot higher than I thought also. I was last in line with the two hired guns leading the way. We had been inside three minutes maybe when hell came to visit! I heard a scream then gurgling and knew one of us was already out. It sounded like one of the hired guns. Then I could hear spraying, and then screaming, then it seemed the screaming turn to laughter. I was scared beyond belief! I could not move. But I could sense movement in front of me. I squeezed the handle of my spray rig. NOTHING!! It WAS dead! Then I was hit it the chest with such tremendous force! Had it not been for the body armor surely something would have been eating my heart. I reached and grabbed my gun and fired one shot. And heard a scream and a body hit the floor! I could also tell from the sounds in the room that spray was not working as it was supposed to. Don’t get me wrong. I could hear the canisters spewing out their product. But it was having little if no effect. So I started hunting around the room, .45 in one hand, sword in the other. Guess I had watched too many movies but it did seem to be the only thing that was working. I could not tell how many their were but knew I had taken down four already. By now I could only hear one of my friends. I saw him being dragged down a cave. I was about to take a shot when I felt a thump to the back of my neck. All I can remember is seeing a face with a finger over it lips as if telling me to be quite (like I had a choice at the time). Then I remember waking up in the woods with blood all over me seeing a full moon in the sky and crying. I knew where I was but could not remember getting there.

I somehow managed to make my way back to where we had left our vehicles. I looked at the investigators car, and then decide I needed some answers. I found a briefcase inside along with several ledgers and diaries. I also retrieved a lockbox from the trunk then decided to leave. I jumped in my jeep and headed back for my place in the city.

It was late when I arrived home. I don’t really remember driving back. Just thoughts of rage, anger, pain, and loss. But never once did I fear. I know that I must find out what is going on and quick. I am sure I will be next or their list. Whoever “they” are. The first order of business was getting cleaned up and some new clothes. The shower felt good. The water seemed to invigorate me and get my senses alert. Upon stepping out of the shower I was keenly aware of one thing. I was not alone. I could see a shadow in the bedroom of the female persuasion. She looked at me checked me up and down. A finger went to her lips asking for silence. Maybe 2 minutes went by and then she was gone. That was my savior. That was the one whom had pulled me from the caves. I am not sure what to think about the whole thing other than I needed answers.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hello Randy. I think you've got some good ideas in here -- I especially like the chem-86 spray as an urban-fantasy style vampyr bane. You said that this is one of your first stories, and that your just starting to learn to put stories together, so I have a couple of ideas for how you might consider shaping this one.

Some very basic things:
Paragraphs - Breaking longer sections into meaningful paragraphs not only makes it easier to read, but can place emphasis on key moments or ideas.
Dialogue - It's true that some stories can be complete with no dialogue, but the great majority are presented with a balance between narrative and dialogue. In general, dialogue slows the movement of the story down, but is a great way to let your readers become intimately connected with your characters. We'll know the character by his or her voice.

A couple of other things to consider:
Whenever you can, consider letting the point-of-view character show the reader what's going on, rather than telling them. This applies to all the senses. For instance, instead of: "The shower felt good," your character might feel the shower's heat warming him to the bone, he might stay in the shower until it goes cold, or a hundred other things -- use imagination! You've certainly shown that you have that going for you, here.
Also, one of the hardest things I find in writing is cutting my beautiful ideas and phrases, but stories seem to do best on a light diet. Lots of ways to approach this, but one idea is to choose one aspect of the story and tell it thoroughly. Do you want the story to be about the savior? Make sure we see her clearly and know what she's doing, and possibly at least an idea of why she's doing it -- and probably avoid clogging the story up with unrelated action, or forebodings, etc. You might consider paring down the list of props. If your guys a vampyr slayer, make him a vampyr slayer with a certain distinctive style. Have him come with a 6-pack of chem-86 and a .38 special, but not with a whole arsenal.

All of the above is food for thought, suggestions of things you might wish to consider. Take my words with a giant grain of salt, use what you can and burn the rest to ashes, if you like. A final word. I'm very much still learning to write, and I expect I will always be learning to write. But so far the best way for me to learn to write has been to write, and to write, and then to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite...

Thanks for sharing your story. I'd love to see how it develops. (I happen to love urban vamp stories.)
Wow all I can say is thanks! You are correct in all aspects. I have a lot of work to do and appreciate the suggestions and guidance. I had never thought about point of view. I have so much work to do. Thanks Loretta.
You're welcome, Randy. I'm glad you found it useful. I hope you'll post revisions when you're ready. :-)

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